Ups and Downs

14 December 2010

I would love to say that the trip to the dentist resulted in my untimely death from all the torture she did to me but nope. Instead it's been a dryer that won't dry, a husband who keeps promising to fix it, a wishy washy command who can't tell us if Dirt Diver is going to be Rear D or not, a fender bender while I was in the middle of a fight with Lil t, and tires going out on my Dodge.

To one this may seem like the world has succumbed to a nuclear attack knocking out all forms of communication but I think I'm finally getting the hang of it all without having an anxiety attack. It feels good to not feel my chest tighten up, my thoughts become disoriented, and be able to smile vs. clenching my teeth. Thank the heavens for the wonders of medical science!

Lil t last week had his HUGE psycho analyst testing, the one where it takes almost 5 hours to do. I was really worried about the results since his preliminary tests scored him on the Asperger's spectrum. Not that I was afraid of it but more because I knew nothing about it. After the second test it's been determined that he does not have Asperger's instead we are dealing with Adjustment Disorder with Anxiety and Anger Tendencies with a little ADD thrown in the pot. At first I was relieved to finally have a diagnosis as to why my sweet son can be so mean and uncontrollable but a week later I'm still just as frustrated as I was in the beginning of all this. I can't schedule him an appointment to discuss a med treatment until l receive the report from the psychologist and he is on vacation for a week and a half. At this point Lil t' won't start any type of treatment until some time in 2011. It's only what 3 or 4 weeks from now? But I was really hoping to have Christmas Break as a chance for him to adjust to his meds.

I've been toying with admitting this out loud so to speak but been worried about the reactions but really I don't care anymore it's eating me up inside.

For the past 3 months I've been preparing myself and the kids for this deployment. We've laid in bed having the "what if" talks. I've had the talks with the kids. I've been making a care package list of things to send him, to make, have the kids do for him. This week he checks back in from leave and they told him he's Rear D as of right now, it's up to his Urologist and Endocrinologist if he leaves. We are down to crunch time, as in his bags need to be packed and taken to the COF. His goodbye posters are made and ready to hang at the shop. I've already made up the deployment budget to pay debt off, get my new computer since my 2 are on their last legs. I've been finding the positives to being alone with a house full of energy sucking children.

So to hear he's not leaving kind of makes me want to cry. I feel like I've been preparing and preparing and BAM no need to. I KNOW Dirt Diver! I know part of him wants to stay behind to be with the kids and get his kidneys & back fixed BUT I also know he will complain the whole time his unit's gone. He'll want to be there with them. He said today he won't utter one complaint and I KNOW it's a lie. I have spent 6 years with this man to know he always sees the greener grass on the other side then what's in his own damn pasture. I've become used to it and pay no attention to him when he rambles about things but I'm kinda at a breaking point and just need him gone. I'm not like most wives. I carry on just fine without him around, I enjoy not having him underfoot all the time.

Don't get me wrong, I love the man more then anything in the world but I think that after our past 6 yrs of always having a break at some point this year is killing me.

There is more swimming around in this head of mine but unfortunately Princess thinks it's funny to take bites out of all my butter and feed the rest to Reba rather then let them sit out and warm up for Chocolate Peanut Butter Chip Cookies. Off to clean up the madness!

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