No one said being a mother was going to be easy

05 April 2011

Almost 10 years ago I did not think in a million years I would ever EVER have to go through this as a parent. With Lil t' I have gone through a lot of court battles to, him being taken from me under lies from the Spew of Satan and the evil exin-laws hiding him, having to fight to gain him back. I have gone through 4 years of therapy, rounds of meds, tears, and loosing control of my household. I have given up everything and even pushed the other kids needs aside to care of Lil t'. 

And here I sit with the clock ticking away as he gets ready to move back to the Spew of Satan. I have so many emotions going on inside I really don't even know where 1 starts and 1 ends. I'm a mess. I've been having panic attacks. I'm crying at the drop of a hat now. 1 minute I'm laughing and the next I'm so angry that I'm yelling. 

I do not understand how a child at 9 years old makes the choice to willingly destroy his family to get hwat he wants. For the past year or so, he's made it clear he wants to live with his dad but even with our own issues; Spew and I both agreed that Lil t' can not dictate where and when he wants to live. Spew is not finacially stable either which is why I believe he was agreeing to stand firm on this choice.

Unfortunately in the last 3 months Lil t' has schemed his way to the point where I had to give in for the safety of my other 3 kids, my sanity, and my marriage. He has pushed every single boundry that was possible. There is absolutely NO trust with him at all. I do not feel safe with him alone with the little kids. He has been suspended for bringing a razor blade to school. He has cut and destroyed half of his clothes. He's stolen and broken anything and everything valuable to 'Tater. Her cell phone has been fixed repeatedly because of him taking it and kicking it around the house. He's broken her ipod docking station so she can't listen to it at night.

He's stolen money from wallet, stolen from the stores, stolen from his own family. I can't trust to leave anything out around him.

He's cut all the heads off Monkey's G.I.Joe's. Ripped a hole in Monkey's favorite stuffed monkey. Wrote all over the wall in Monkey's bunk area and let Monkey take the blame for it. He's broken his own DVD's and blamed Monkey; thankfully Monkey wasn't home at the time and I knew they weren't broken beforehand. He's broken my workout dvd's and hid them under his bunk bed.

The other took the cake though. He told Dirt Diver to his face that he hopes he dies in Afghanistan. That Dirt Diver will never be his father and he hates him. There truly is no way to describe the scene, honestly. I felt like I was watching it slow motion. Lil t' was getting in trouble for shoving Piggies into the bathtub and hurting her. His reasoning was she was takin too long and he needed to pee. In the course of reciving his punishment, the words came out. I swear my little boys face was not there, it was almost like someone else has taken over. When ever he's mad I never recognize the loving son I know, always that nasty mean face. Dirt Diver's face went pale, fists balled up, and the bedroom door slammed. They haven't spoken since. It's been about 4 days now.

How does one deal with this? How does one pick between the ones they love? I am between a rock and a hardspot. No matter what I choose it's not going to be right. My heart is literally being ripped out of my chest and torn apart. Guilt for possibly not being a better mom has set in. How many chances does a parent give a child before they make this choice. 

I guess I need to end this post because I'll just keep going in circles with all the questions I have. There really is no right answer as life is not alway black and white, right and wrong. We make the best choices we can and pray that with the Lord's guidance that everything will turn out all right. I'm petrified he's going to grow up thinking I gave up on him. Just as I'm petrified the other kids will think I loved him more and put their safety second to care for him. 

Complete failure sums me up right now.

6 Voices:

Ashley said...

My heart goes out to you. You are not a failure. Look to your other kids that cherish you and Dirt Diver, and know that you are a good mom. I can only imagine watching my loving son turn into ... something else. To me, it sounds like he most definitely is pushing to get his way and if your ex is willing to take it on, perhaps it may be best to let him go for a while. Maybe this will show him that the grass is not greener on the other side. And you're right, he shouldn't be able to dictate when and where he lives, so I would have a long talk with him about this not being a temporary thing. That him making the decision to live there means, he's living there. If he can make this little decision, I would have a little contract for him to sign to say that once he goes, it will be a while before he can come home, so that he knows this isn't a back and forth game he's allowed to play.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you guys, 'Chelle! I wish I had some advice but having never dealt with a situation like this, I can only guess at how I'd handle things like this.

Have you talked to a counselor to see what they recommend?

Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. I wouldn't know what to do if I were in your shoes either. He reminds me of my cousin, who is 14. Age differences aside, she's a holy terror, and has been for 3 years. My aunt and uncle have all but given up. They've tried EVERYTHING (short of sending her to boarding school), and nothing has worked. They've called the cops on her. They've locked her in her room. They've taken the door off the hinges for her room. They've yelled at her. They've praised her. It doesn't matter what goes on, she is just acting terrible.

I don't know how I would have reacted in your shoes, if my son (when I have one) EVER said that to my husband who was getting ready to deploy. I think I give your hubs a lot of props for not decking the kid, b/c I'd probably have punched him, 9 years old or not. There are some things in life that you just do NOT say, and I don't care how old you are, you know better than to say that.

Hopefully he shapes up after he moves back with his dad. I guess time will tell.

bex said...

You, I repeat, YOU, are NOT a failure. You have given him chance after chance, opportunity after opportunity to listen, to change, to follow the rules, to be respectful, to be a contributing member of the family and time and time again he has failed you.

It sounds like he has psychological disorders far beyond your control and I hope hat his father will have the cajones to get him the help he needs (perhaps inpatient?) because you have done EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER to help him!!

I wish you (and him) luck and peace.


Anonymous said...

My heart breaks for you. You are NOT a failure. As a parent (not a doctor, not a therapist, but a parent) there's only so much you can do and you've hit that point with Lil T. And that's okay. It'd be worse if you continued to ram into that brick wall over and over again. You love T and you love Dirt Diver and you love your other babies and that's why you're doing what's best for all of you. Bex has a good point inpatient might be the best thing for him at this point and if it is you'll make it through and things will eventually be okay. Please don't be so hard on yourself.

Maranda said...

Oh my goodness. I don't even know what to say right now. I wish I could give you a huge hug!

First of NOT blame yourself. You have done everything you could for him. He has made this choice and has MORE than insisted on the outcome.

I think as he grows up he will realize everything you have done for him. He will understand, with time, the sacrifices you have made and the mistakes he has made.

Keep your chin up and please don't think you are a failure because it's not true. Sometimes you have to let kids make their own decisions so they can learn from their own mistakes. The fact that you are letting him go live with his dad proves what a great mom you are. He needs to learn this lesson. And the rest of the family needs to be protected.

Good luck. ((HUGS))


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