Just bring my heart back, please?

26 January 2010

I have to be honest; I miss my husband so incredibly much it hurts. This time apart makes me wonder if I have it in me to be an Army wife, at one point in this journey I WILL have to deal with a deployment. In the 6 years together we have never been apart for more than a month or two. I’ve been spoiled. Let’s review:

We met on November 21st, 2004. We have been inseparable since. There have been work ups, under-ways and duty days for a year and a half. We have had a month and a half apart when he was in Texas for A-School. Three years of shore duty, while it was a HORRIBLE schedule he was still home. We even did a 6 month separation where we still saw each other daily. Then we left the Navy to live a life as civilians. Enjoying Monday thru Friday, 8-5 jobs with weekends spent always together doing family things like 4-wheeling, mudding, camping, shooting. And now we’ve arrived to November 1st, 2009 when he got on the plane to leave. It’s even worse than when we separated because I can’t even see him.

This is the first time though we are really apart, three months with a short 2 week visit and another two to five more months apart. The length of the remaining time apart will depend on how the lovely judicial system decides on what is best for Lil t’, to move with us or not.

Anyways back to the subject at hand, when we first met. I didn’t need anyone but me and my kids in my life. He would go on underways, workups, duty days and I would chew those days up, spit them out and say “so what”. I was so focused on being independent that I had not an ounce of compassion for other spouses who did miss their husbands. For the ones who said being apart hurt them physically. I called them weak, too dependent on someone, funny how life changes us because I am now that person. I am the person who cries at night as I pull down the sheets because I have to crawl in alone. I am the person who heart hurts when she looks at pictures of her marriage. I am the person who has to force herself to get up, dressed and leave the house some days. And this isn’t even a deployment. I question my strength a lot right now. Am I making the right choice to support him re-entering the military? Should I have tried to persuade him to look back at the Navy but to re-class? Should I have tried to push for a civilian life? But as fast as those questions start to dance around me, I shove them out. What kind of person would I be, if I didn’t support the man I love to do what makes him happy? Is it right to continue to watch him be miserable like he was for that six month break in service?

In the end, I know my strength is there. I just have to dig down a little deeper on those days than others. It’s okay to question and doubt because it’s during those moment you find out what you are made of.

11 Voices:

♥ Katinka said...

Stopping by from SITS and wishing you a Happy Tuesday!!!! :) Very cute blog!!!!

Kellene Maynard said...

My Heart aches for you! I can't even imagine. My advice.. pray about it. Pray for clarity and strength! I'll be praying for you guys... You are a strong woman who loves her husband! Don't beat yourself up for that!

Visiting via SITS!

Expat Girl said...

Honestly, I think we all have our weak moments and need to cry and vent but believe me, they pass and you just need to keep focusing on reuniting and why you are going through it- the man you love is doing an honorable thing and if you didnt love him so much you wouldnt go through it but you do....so keep your head up, smile through the tears and face it one day at a time

Nikki said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog. I love your writing! It is so honest. I'm so sorry that your love is gone for alittle while. I wonder is there anyway that he can do a stay at a military base close to where you live? My cousin married a man in the military and lives very close to family but on the military base, its good cause she still can see everyone. hope you're having a better day today and finding your strength.

Chelle said...

Thanks for the visit Nikki. Unfortunately right now he is in training and we (the kids and I) can't be there with him, he's not there long enough. When he gets his orders he'll go to that duty station and live as a "Geo-Bach" until we can move everyone out with him. I can't move until I get my current custody order revamped to include the new state of destination. We will be together soon. It's just a temporary bump in the road, one that I've become accustomed to after dealing with an 8 year custody battle.

And thank you ladies for your words. They are taken to heart during this rough patch.

Acting Balanced Mom said...

stopping by from SITS - hoping everything works out with getting your move and custody in order!

Ms. Diva said...

Been there done that with the custody thing and it sucks! Im so sorry you are going through it! My SO should have stayed in the Army she would have been so happy! As it is, she works on an airforce base, go figure!
I'm here from SITS! And a new follower!! Sending you prayers!!!

Heather said...

I hope something bright happens for you today looks like you could use something cheerful!

Stopping by from SITS

Keri @ Spirit of Power said...

Ugh, that is so hard. Being strong on your own can feel impossible. Remember that no matter where he is, he is out there loving you, supporting you with his heart, and wanting to be with you too.

Great blog, honest, well-written. Keep up the good work.

(Visiting you from SITS)

Jeannie, Jane, Angel, Mommy, etc.. said...

Visiting from SITS. My sister-in-law went through two deplyments in her short mairrage before my brother-in-law got out. It was hard on her too. I often wondered how she dealt with it. I often have days where I wish the huz was home and he just works 50+ hours a week. You are in my thoughts.

JoeyRes said...

My husband (who was just my boyfriend at the time) enlisted in the Army right out of high school. He left in October, I was a freshman in college. It was the longest we've ever been apart in the 13 years we've been together. We wrote each other every day he was gone and he was eventually injured and medically discharged. I was so glad! It's awful to be happy someone got hurt - so selfish. But I was then and still am relieved.

Now he travels occasionally for work. Sometimes he's gone a week. It's always heart breaking when I see my toothbrush alone in the bathroom.

I just hope you find terrific support to make it through until your love returns!


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