I did not start writing a "Not Me!" list on a piece of packing paper in crayon last week, only to loose it somewhere in the vast array of boxes and packing paper littering the front of the house. I am not that lazy to go searching for it either.
Dirt Diver and I did not spend 30 minutes last night discussing whether Ephedrine should be legalized for Sloths. Nor how much life would suck if we moved slower then a snail. We did not debate whether or not we would want to move so slow crap would grow on us as we moved. We also did not contemplate how NASCAR would be if we were all Sloths. (I'm sorry to any Sloth lovers out there, they are just an easy target for fun. I feel ashamed and embarrassed that we used them as the butt of our jokes last night.)
Upon unpacking our clothes this weekend I did not shove all the shirts I don't like on Dirt Diver in a "misc" box that is meant to stay taped up until a later time. In the process of doing that I did not not mention this little bit of information to him with plans of playing the "I don't know" card if he happens to go looking for those items.
When I was supposed to be unpacking I did not find myself sitting on the floor in our bedroom watching the Ax Men marathon thinking to myself that I could do a better job then the greenhorns. Then walked around shit talking the idiots on the show as I hung the clothes.
Upon hanging our clothes it didnt dawn on me that we have WAY too many items but I did not sit there thinking again that I need to go buy more. For someone who doesn't worry about her wardrobe, I would never need nor want more clothes.
While trying to "school" Dirt Diver after 6 years of being together once again on how to put a carseat in his truck properly I did not, repeat DID NOT fall out of the carseat, out of the truck and onto the sidewalk. I do not have that kind of skills.
I was not forced to watch the unrated version of Sex Drive nor did I not find it absolutely hilarious. I do not ever find a movie based solely on sex humor to be the best movies ever and then in return fall asleep smack dab in the middle. I would never be waiting for the right time to watch the rest of it when the kids aren't around. I do not have images of the old guy in the trailer haunting me in my dreams that night and did not wake up laughing while trying to gag at the image.
Because I love my children with all my heart and I do not believe in making them suffer; I did not turn off Call of Duty when Monkey was trying to play. I did not cause a huge meltdown fit nor did I cringe when he looked me in the eye giving me a "stink eye" and yelled "you mean mommy you killed me". I then did not turn around, cupping my hand and swallow the laughter that was forming within.
I hope no one thinks that I choose my kids over my own selfish needs, because that is FAR from the truth. I did not put back the coffee creamer in order to buy them fruits since funds are low right now. I did not give up the secret sauce to keeping my sanity in tact during the week for their nutritional well being. I am a super selfish mommy who would never ever do that. And even if I did I would not have received a 'Thank you' from those ungrateful heathens as they responded with "why did you get the red ones and not the Fuji ones?" I did not cringe and almost smash the carton of eggs in my hand as I counted to 10.
Television is a waste of time. Really it is. We all know it. It sucks our day away by sucking us into trival shows and leaves us with unfinished projects at home. Due to it being a worthless invention I did not break down in tears last night when we realized all the shows I had recorded on my Dish DVR box since January has been erased by a kidlet of ours. I did not turn into a Diva and spew nasties nor threaten to ground everyone in sight till they were in Depends. I did not cry over loosing 3 weeks of Ugly Betty, 2 weeks of Desperate Housewives, Justified, nor an entire month of People's Court. I would never get upset over something so trivial.