Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name

09 August 2010

Starting from Thursday, life has just been busy. While I know I should be enjoying it and I really am grateful that we're another week closer to Dirt Diver coming home; I would love for the weekends to drag out some more so I could have time to become a bum and do nothing.

I took a jump on Saturday after spending the last week humming and awwing on whether or not I should go to a potluck with a bunch of people I only know via Facebook. At the last minute on Saturday the decision was made to just go. As much I prefer to be a hermit my whole life never having to venture out of my safety zone; the truth is that Dirt Diver is leaving for a year or longer and these women, these fellow Army Wives will be the ones that I will turn to when in need. They will be my support system for laughs, cries, screams, and dumbfoundedness.

With that said it's time for a confession that makes the above realization of friends even harder to accept. A little secret that I hate to admit; I come across as an outgoing person for the most part but truthfully; I am so incredibly shy it's ridiculous. I will talk myself out of meeting new people left and right for fear of being rejected. I have never been one to have a lot of friends. I mainly just have a lot of acquaintances.

Ever since I was little life's been this way. I make "friends" easily but they never stick no matter how much I may like them. Ether they never call me back, never invite me, ignore my invites, or what have you. You'd think after so many years I would learn to accept this about my life and just deal. But I don't. It eats at me, sometimes more so then others.

The funny thing about all this is that Dirt Diver is the exact same way as me. In a way I'm happy he's in the same boat as me so that we have each other to share memories with. And yet I watch him struggle so much more with this then I do myself; it tears me apart to see him so incredibly miserable the days that he knows everyone's together hanging out and he's sitting at home playing video games. When we run into people after; it's always the same response "oh man I thought I invited you" or "I just assumed you were busy".

In the end though the hurt of feeling rejected never gets old. I play it off and busy myself more with the family, then to worry about the girls who smile at me while saying "I'll call ya this week so we can get together" and they never do. It just makes accepting that the deployment is coming up, even harder to handle emotionally. My best friend other then the ONE person who has stuck with me through thick and thin; will be leaving soon.

Back to Saturday, I had fun and so did the kids; but it was just another reminder that I still haven't found my niche in life with making friends. I was either older or younger, too many kids, my kids were too old, no intentions of being pregnant again, not pregnant, the BTDT lady. All that said I still laughed and enjoyed the small talk. I was going to say I won't go to another one again but that'd be rude to just write them off. I'll give it time and see what happens.

Where are you in the social scene of friends? DO you wish you had more or less?

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6 Voices:

Mrs. S. said...

Yeah welcome to our lives. I actually broke down about this to Cody yesterday. Like full on break down, I hate it here, this is awful, blah blah blah. If I lived closer, you know I'd be at your house EVERY day.

Chelle said...

I've had those moments too. Were I get so upset about it, break down crying, and then have to deal with his unempathic butt. Every post we go to, we both have high expectations but they always fall short. Or we get too close too fast and then realize that we really don't like the people. ugh Friendships are way too hard.

You are more then welcome to come over and bake with me anyday of the year!

mannadonn said...

Oh honey I'm so sorry. That always sucks to feel left out. I'm pretty paranoid and always think that people don't like me. It's hard to put yourself out there for the fear of rejection but if you don't, people see it, feel it coming from you so the cycle continues. I hope you keep going to the potlucks and that things go better for you. You are right, you will need these ladies. And you know you can always come here and we are here for you. :-) xoxoxo

Ty Mays said...

I know what you mean. I'm similar, and since I've grown used to being a loner I don't really make an effort any more. But I'm going to try and get involved with the FRG and see how it goes. It might be nice to have the support system as the months go by.

Chelle said...

I couldn't agree more. I know it's a vicious cycle. I will find myself sitting outside something and will do the whole talking to myself thing that always reminds myself that if I don't go in and be friendly people will like me. But until that moment of getting out of the car, I'm a basketcase. lol

Chelle said...

It's so hard to break the shell of "loner"; I spent so much of my life enjoying being by myself but now looking back I wish I didn't. I'm like you too, trying to be more involved in our FRG and put myself out there more.


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