I think my big girl panties are too small today

09 September 2010

Remember the days of being in high school wishing time would speed up so you didn’t have to listen to other people telling you what to do? Or wanting to be at the age where you can make your own choices and not have to be a “kid” anymore? And now as adults, how many of us wish we could go back and just enjoy the time as a kid? I hate being an adult sometimes. I hate having to make the right choices for an entire family of 6 that may not seem to be the right choice at the moment but will be down the road. I hate waiting for down the road, but I hate knowing my actions have also caused us to go the longer difficult route.

I have always been one to say “pull on your big girl panties”. I am the one who is planning a BGP party when deployment hits. It’s just me. I am just the independent person who doesn’t need to have a ton of family around to help raise the kids when the husband goes away or needs to cry at everything. Sometimes I wish I was a little more vulnerable or able to show my feelings more, but I wasn’t wired that way. I take on the world and carry it everywhere while smiling and cracking jokes. It’s my defense mechanism, really.

And here I am now, Dirt Diver sent me a text asking me what I thought of him leaving for a month next month for a class that would look good when he goes to the board. I love that he asked for my opinion but like him, we don’t know which one to choose.

If I am to be the supportive wife, then I loose a month out of our already dwindling time left together as a family. I will be supporting him trying to make the right move to get promoted tis why he left the Navy in the first place.

Now if I were to be the whiney wife who wants to throw herself on the floor crying “it’s not fair damnit! Say NO” then I wouldn’t be true to myself either. I have never made him say no to anything, I’ve never made ultimatiums. I pull on my panties, wear them with pride and deal with the aftermath of emotions later. But I really REALLY do NOT want to give up our chance at going to the Ball next month. I REALLY do not want to loose a month of cuddling and laughter.

Really this all rides on him and what he will say/do tomorrow. Until then I’ll just push for him to do what’s right. Remind him that no matter what, I will take care of everything when he’s gone, and that my love for him only wants the best for him and his career.

On a side note… I have a part time daycare kid who is only 4 but has the assertiveness with no filter of a 21 yr old. She’s chipping away at my patience. Everyday it’s been a game of waiting to hear what’s next to come out of her cute little mouth. Some things just leave me bug eyed and bewildered while other times I can’t stop laughing from her silliness. Why can’t life always be so carefree as to only worry about why lunch isn’t ready at 1155 like it always is or why do we have to take a nap just because I’m grouchy and rubbing my eyes doesn’t mean I’m tired.

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