Not Me! Monday

You should go visit and participate!
Click the image and be hurdled over to Mckmama's.

While hurdling down the 24 heading to pick ‘Tater up from Operation Purple camp, Princess did not start throwing a temper tantrum in her carseat over not wanting anymore milk. I did not decide to dump the remaining milk out the side of the SUV speeding down the deserted highway at 76 MPH. I did NOT for some unknown reason stick my head out the window WHILE dumping the milk. I did NOT watch my all time favorite expensive pair of Arnette sunglasses go flying off my head as they crash landed on the asphalt, bounced a couple times and finally coming to rest next to a poor raccoon who had met his untimely fate. Ironic or what?

I did not sit in my seat with swamp ass slowly creeping on me, face pressed against the frame of the SUV as silent tears rolled down my cheeks. Never would I mourn for a pair of sunglasses. Never!

Monkey would never be sooo excited to finally get out of the car to play on the most brightest badass park aboard Fort Campbell only to pee his pants within 40 seconds of leaving the car. Being an AWESOME mommy that I am, I would never forget to pack a change of clothes for him. Nor would we be so broke that we couldn’t buy new shorts for him. Thank the heavens, that ‘Tater for some odd unknown reason had a pair of Monkey’s underwear and my bra in her bag of clothes when we picked her up from camp.

On the way home, I did not almost slam our SUV into the side of a hog trailer because I was trying to watch the adorable piggies with their snouts sticking out and then place blame on the truck driver when Dirt Diver opened his eyes and yelled. I am not a careless driver.

Upon getting home, Dirt Diver and I did not get into a fight that resulted with him locking himself in the bedroom throwing a temper tantrum. Never in a million years would a grown 27 26  year old man act like a 2 year old. We then did not spend an hour on yahoo messenger, me in the living room and him in the bedroom, talking it out. We would never resort to technology to get through a fight while we are in the same house.  **side note we have NEVER been known to webcam from separate rooms in the house while we are watching separate shows either.**

As I typed my husband age I did not sit here trying to remember how old my husband is. I did not resort to looking at his Facebook profile to figure it out either.

So what things happened to you this week you would like to not take credit for?

Not Me! Monday

You should go visit and participate!

Oh the fabulous Monday rears her head again. One of these days the beast WILL be slain and she won’t torture us anymore. Until then, it’s a fabulous Not Me! Post.

The other day feeling bored and overwhelmed with our depressing financial situation, I did not make a HUGE 9 x 13 dish of banana pudding from scratch. While making it for the very first time in my life I did not send myself into heart attack mode when I realized that I poured the whites in instead of the yolks like the recipe called for. I did not spend the next 30 minutes whisking the pudding on the stove, cursing under my breathe and praying that it would still turn out good. It turned out FABULOUS!

I also did not nor am I consuming the whole 9 x 13 dish by myself since no one in this family likes banana pudding. I would never put the weight that I’ve lost right back on. Nor consume that much sugary yummy goodness.

Because of some stupid thing in my head that won’t let me get through scary movies without nightmares, I did not watch Pandroum alone during the day with the blinds wide open and the heat inducing sun pounding down on me. I am not that big of a baby about it. I also did not double check that I was alive, in the year 2010, and that our plant was not loosing our food supplies. Pssh Never in a million years would I be that big of a baby.

On the way to taking ‘Tater to Operation Purple Camp, I did not get us lost that resulted in an added hour and 10 minutes of driving and wasted the precious gas that we had. I did not refuse to turn the AC on thus making everyone a sweaty mass of jell-o in their seats. I did not realize that my stupid GPS required me to change the state when I was on the border of Kentucky and Tennessee. I did not spend that time wandering around cursing at the camp director for sending street names that didn’t exist, only to find out they did in TENNESSE not in Kentucky. If I had then we would have been there an hour and 10 minutes ago. I also did not pretend to be deaf to Dirt Divers comments about my lack of direction, how frustrating I am , and the lack of support for his lost wife.

On the way to taking ‘Tater to camp, Dirt Diver and I did not have a fight over the music that should be listened to in the car. I did not throw a hissy fit for having to listen to Bluegrass for 2 hours. In the process of said argument, Dirt Diver did not throw his own hissy fit by turning to the most foul rap station and blasting it. I do not think I have heard that much filthy words in one song as I did yesterday. I did not fall in love with a stupid song called “In love wit yo booty” by Justin Blu nor did I crack up by the chorus of the song:

“Girl don't turn around 
cause I'm in love with your back 
(In love with your back) 
but if you just got to turn around I really hope your face match”

The first time I heard the song, I did not think he said “I hope your face aint’ smashed”. ROFL

And with that my loves, how was your past week? Anything you don’t want to own up to?

Not Me! Monday

You should go visit and participate!

Hello?

*chirpchirpchirp*

Anyone here?

Another Monday and FINALLY I’m feeling better. After food poisoning, then dealing with some other personal health issues, then a migraine that 2 days of Midrin wouldn’t fix, and throwing a last minute birthday party for one of the guys in the shop, I think I’m back to myself. Well whatever myself really is anymore.

Let’s get busy shall we?

I did not completely FORGET about my giveaway, nor picking a winner, NOR emailing the winner. My mind did not get completely over ran with everything else letting this ball fall in the crevice of insanity. LOL Marcia,A Grace-full Life , I will email you in just a minute!

I also did not go an entire week without reading a single blog. I would never look at that 500+ new post notifications on my reader with detest and contemplate hitting “mark all read”.

Of course, I didn't take Midrin the other day, lay on my bed and feel my tongue grow 10xs its normal size, I did not lay there continually poking my arms just because the tingles felt different in different spots. I did not send random text messages to my friend and husband that I honestly had no clue I sent. I do not get the side effects of a meth addict sprawled out on her bed, jabbering away to herself for an hour till they go away leaving me to drink more water then the entire state of Kentucky has to offer.

You would not have found me having a tiny little very very minisol breakdown after Thursday after inspections, swearing that I was done trying to get licensed for daycare and pout the whole day. I did not feel guilty spending the rest of the day lying on the couch with Monkey and Princess while watching mindless boring television.

Friday evening I was not told that we’re hosting a birthday party for one of the guys in the shop on Saturday. Hmmm, great notice there buddy! In order to prep for said party I did not throw all dirty laundry in black trash bags and hide them in our walk in closet. I did not randomly spray Febreeze through the house to ride the place of the “sick old lady” smell it was getting since I couldn’t open the windows thanks to the friggen 93% humidity we’ve had all friggen week. Nope I would actually bust out the bleach and Pine Sol and scrub on a Saturday morning when it was already topped out at 89 degrees. I’m not that lazy.

I did not think I was well enough to man the grill while drinking Mudslides and PBR. I did not forget to eat while cooking 30 hot dogs, 20 brats, 20 BBQ wings and 3 chicken breasts. I did not forget that I was in 93% humidity by a grill maxing out at around 400 degrees and not drink water. I did not have to make friends with the shower mid grilling session because I was not 100% well again.

Side note, I really need to let go of my superiority complex that I am the ONLY one who can handle situations and there fore do not need to take a easy when I am still sick. *bawwwaha* That’s hilarious! Like that will EVER happen in my life time.

As I’m typing this up, I am not ignoring the whines from a beautiful Princess as she is stuck in the tub with no water and her stuffie because she’s learned to climb in. I would never view that as a temporarily safe “playpen” for 5 minutes to finish this post so I could get it published without worrying about her sticking her hands in the toilet.

What did you not do lately?

Not Me! Monday

I did not get up an extra hour earlier this morning to write out my "Not Me!" only to sit here staring at the news completely dumbfounded on what happened this past week.

I did not purposely drive over the potholes making sure to make the truck bounce yesterday to torture Dirt Diver and his 24 hour hangover from the UFC fights. Because I love him so much. I would never go out of my way to torture him while he's already hurting. Never in a million years would I giggle as I watched him run for the bathroom upon the sun hitting him in the face welcoming him to the land of the living.

I did not spend an entire night sitting on my kitchen counter drinking beer vs. watching the $50 UFC fight I ordered, only to miss every single fight. I would also never take pride in all that being my bottles and being able to wake up, shower, and function the next morning like nothing happened. I'm so incredibly past the party days.

I already have a Sweet Tea addiction, like to the point of making 3 gallons a week for the past year or so. But I did not find out my husband has even more of an addiction by hitting up McD's Sweet Tea 3 times a day. I, being the wise one who sticks with her homemade stuff, did not develop an addiction to this liquid crack either. I do not find stupid reasons to drive off post just to go through the drive through to grab a cup.

Upon getting the truck fixed, I did not let my daughter wonder around with only one shoe on at the shop. I did not let her play with greasy bolts and nuts just to watch her be happy. I do not encourage my children to get messy and love the smell of greese and dirt as much as I do. I would ensure my daughter would be prim and proper and stay clean.

Man today's post sucks. I knew there was a reason I am 100% fully against getting up early in the morning. It ruins your life. Seriously. It kills your thinking and makes you sluggish. 

Down with getting up early.

Not me! Mondays

Welcome to all my new readers! Monday is one of my favorite days because I love to participate in McMama's "Not Me! Mondays". It's a day where I can confess all the things that I did not do during the week, because as we all know... "I am a perfect".

After spending a week chasing Princess off the kitchen table, kissing bruised heads, soothing blood curdling cries after she fell from the table; I gave up and ordered a baby gate. It was NOT a baby gate with simple installation instructions but rather a HORROR gate. It did not take me well over 2 hours to install the stupid thing. I did not slip with the screwdriver sending it flying in the air only to hit Princess in the face. I did not give up and grab the power drill, only for that to slip on the screw, pinching the pad on my finger causing an immediate bruise followed by strew of F-bombs.

Upon completing said horror gate, it did not register that due to the molding and accent trim on our baseboards, it would not fit properly. Two hours of hell was for nothing. I must now search out a different horror gate to trap the Princess from climbing anymore, until then I did not "ghetto-fied" the thing to work till we have another one.

Just because we got our moving money back from the Army, and I have been on Dirt Diver's ass about saving money, paying off debts, I did not go to Scentsy.com and make my first purchase of their stuff. I would never not fully give details to Dirt Diver about said purchase, just waiting for it to show up, make the house smell good, and then let him know I bought it AFTER he says how much he likes the scents. I would always be 100% honest and forthcoming regarding my purchases.

I did not spend an entire week cleaning the house from top to bottom, getting the place ready for people. I did not clean the grill. I did not clean the outside up either, just to have Dirt Diver call me an hour before the BBQ was supposed to happen to say they were working till 2100 that night and had to be back at 0530. Thus meaning no drunken Guitar Hero, no laughter, no grilling; nope just me and the kids. I did not sit down after spending an afternoon arguing with a 8 going on 2 year old with an attitude problem to enjoy an unhealthy dinner.

Yes that's JD mixed with homemade Sweet Tea plus Mac'n'Cheese with Bubba Ray's BBQ sauce mixed in. You can only truly enjoy Mac'n'Cheese WITH BBQ sauce. *side note: Can you believe I took that picture at 2100 Friday? It was so bright and a great night for a BBQ. Damn command*


After finally getting down to 150lbs, I did not gain 6lbs back pigging out at Golden Corral, Chinese take out, and Domino's. I would never buy 2 new pair of shorts to fit my new size only to gain that stupid weight back. I would never be irresponsible like that.

Upon eating at Golden Corral, I did not become that parent who had a 15 month old breaking down from being over tired but refused to leave the restaurant. I did not continue to hold her rocking her in one arm while shoveling food in my mouth with the other. As loving parents, we did not make the 3 oldest children sit in their own booth so we could sit and attempt to have an adult conversation, which of course never happened. I would like to point out that if I DID become that parent at the restaurant, I would have picked a table at the back of the restaurant just in case Princess hit her limit.

I did not have a breakdown inside Aeropostal this weekend upon watching my baby girl grow into a beautiful pre-teen as she stepped out of the dressing room wearing shorts. Now it might be different for some; but to see my 11 and a half year old who is over 5'2", wearing a size 0 in woman's in shorts that weren't too super short but short enough to make any woman jealous. I did not have a heart attack at the price when they rung up a pair of capri's and a pair of Bermuda jean shorts even with their sale prices. I did not let go of all dignity and beg her to go back to being my baby girl in the store for anyone within ear shot to hear me.

I did not sit and watch Law Abiding Citizen at 0500 in the morning thanks to Princess being wide awake. I was not pulling for Clyde Shelton. I did not want to see him come out on top, walking away after bringing down our corrupt and shitty government. I did not cry at the end cursing the ending.

I did not volunteer to do the grocery shopping in pouring down rain just to go alone. I did not sit in the parking lot indulging in PB Twix, a Starbucks frapp, listening to Ozzy Osbourne. I did not walk in the front door after spending almost 2 hours shopping looking like a drowned rat. I did not have my jeans stuck to me, my sneakers weren't making the "squish pssh squirt" noise when I took a step, and my hunting jacket was not soaked through and dripping. I did not give the stink eye at my husband as he asked "It's a little wet out still, huh?". I mean really what gave you the flippin' clue there Dirt Diver?!

Upon leaving the commissary I did not take the roads where MP's don't travel much just to speed and plow through puddles making me use the 4x4 on the truck. I did not have fun fish tailing and digging into the mud. I would never be that reckless with our truck on a post. Nor would I hide this tiny detail from Dirt Diver either.

What did you NOT do this past week?

Not Me! Monday

When you have a moment stop on by MckMama's and check out the other hilarious Not Me! Monday participants.

Ah another Monday has come to grace our presence. Aren’t we just so lucky?

Let’s see if I can recap some of the things that did not happen this week.

Friday did not start with a murder framed as a suicide. I would not have been plotting for the past 2 plus years payback on a green frog that belongs to Dirt Diver after he viciously attacked my innocent puppy Harley. When the perfect opportunity presented itself I did not clean the toilet making it possible for Mr. Green to commit suicide. Ya know after years of murdering the wife’s dog, the guilt has to get to you somehow.

Being the only person who ever does the laundry in the house I did not forget that Dirt Diver would need his PT gear this morning by leaving it in the washer soaking wet. I did not discover this at 0445 this morning when he asked where his jacket and pants were. Because I remembered to wash and dry his gear he did not have to go PT in the rain in shorts and a short sleeve shirt.

In the midst of a argument with Dirt Diver while he was taking a bath I did not get up yell, storm out of the bathroom slamming the door. In the process of not trying to slam the door, I did not hit a sock and slam into the floor with a THUD. I did not yell at him for causing that injury.

Let’s face it, we’re adults, couples fight and make up. I am not the stubborn one who refused to speak for the next 3 hours. I was not the one who grabbed a sleeping bag and pillow setting up bed on the couch. I did not lay in the bag for 15 minutes pretending not to hear him tell me to pull my head out of my ass and get in our bed. I did not stomp my way to bed, throw myself in it, and dig down hugging the edge of the bed. No I said I was sorry and tried to end the fight like a responsible mature adult.

Saturday morning I did not wake up with a work crew building a super heavy duty reinforced wall of snot in my sinuses. I did not talk like a dork nor did I try to spend the day in bed sniffling and sneezing. I did not make it till 2100 before Dirt Diver forced me to take a Sudafed almost to the point of shoving the pill down my throat. I did not threaten to call police for poisoning his wife when he knows that I loathe LOATHE medicine. I did not mutter a thank you the following morning when I awoke after realizing that the stupid pill helped me sleep through the night without issues.

There is always more in our crazy life but I can never think of it till after I hit post and walk away. lol I really must keep a notebook to jot my ideas down.

Not Me! Monday

I did not start writing a "Not Me!" list on a piece of packing paper in crayon last week, only to loose it somewhere in the vast array of boxes and packing paper littering the front of the house. I am not that lazy to go searching for it either.

Dirt Diver and I did not spend 30 minutes last night discussing whether Ephedrine should be legalized for Sloths. Nor how much life would suck if we moved slower then a snail. We did not debate whether or not we would want to move so slow crap would grow on us as we moved. We also did not contemplate how NASCAR would be if we were all Sloths. (I'm sorry to any Sloth lovers out there, they are just an easy target for fun. I feel ashamed and embarrassed that we used them as the butt of our jokes last night.)

Upon unpacking our clothes this weekend I did not shove all the shirts I don't like on Dirt Diver in a "misc" box that is meant to stay taped up until a later time. In the process of doing that I did not not mention this little bit of information to him with plans of playing the "I don't know" card if he happens to go looking for those items.

When I was supposed to be unpacking I did not find myself sitting on the floor in our bedroom watching the Ax Men marathon thinking to myself that I could do a better job then the greenhorns. Then walked around shit talking the idiots on the show as I hung the clothes.

Upon hanging our clothes it didnt dawn on me that we have WAY too many items but I did not sit there thinking again that I need to go buy more. For someone who doesn't worry about her wardrobe, I would never need nor want more clothes.

While trying to "school" Dirt Diver after 6 years of being together once again on how to put a carseat in his truck properly I did not, repeat DID NOT fall out of the carseat, out of the truck and onto the sidewalk. I do not have that kind of skills.

I was not forced to watch the unrated version of Sex Drive nor did I not find it absolutely hilarious. I do not ever find a movie based solely on sex humor to be the best movies ever and then in return fall asleep smack dab in the middle. I would never be waiting for the right time to watch the rest of it when the kids aren't around. I do not have images of the old guy in the trailer haunting me in my dreams that night and did not wake up laughing while trying to gag at the image.

Because I love my children with all my heart and I do not believe in making them suffer; I did not turn off Call of Duty when Monkey was trying to play. I did not cause a huge meltdown fit nor did I cringe when he looked me in the eye giving me a "stink eye" and yelled "you mean mommy you killed me". I then did not turn around, cupping my hand and swallow the laughter that was forming within.

I hope no one thinks that I choose my kids over my own selfish needs, because that is FAR from the truth. I did not put back the coffee creamer in order to buy them fruits since funds are low right now. I did not give up the secret sauce to keeping my sanity in tact during the week for their nutritional well being. I am a super selfish mommy who would never ever do that. And even if I did I would not have received a 'Thank you' from those ungrateful heathens as they responded with "why did you get the red ones and not the Fuji ones?" I did not cringe and almost smash the carton of eggs in my hand as I counted to 10.

Television is a waste of time. Really it is. We all know it. It sucks our day away by sucking us into trival shows and leaves us with unfinished projects at home. Due to it being a worthless invention I did not break down in tears last night when we realized all the shows I had recorded on my Dish DVR box since January has been erased by a kidlet of ours. I did not turn into a Diva and spew nasties nor threaten to ground everyone in sight till they were in Depends. I did not cry over loosing 3 weeks of Ugly Betty, 2 weeks of Desperate Housewives, Justified, nor an entire month of People's Court. I would never get upset over something so trivial.

Not Me! Monday

At some point during the drive across the country I did not freak out when we crossed the Wyoming border into Nebraska because I forgot Nebraska existed next to Wyoming. I did not pull over to the side of the road yelling at the GPS for sending us into a completely different state and getting us lost. I did not call Dirt Diver frantic only to hang the phone up on him in the middle of his laughter at his wife's stupidity.

During the drive I remembered to check the oil, brake fluid, coolant, fuses, tow hitch, tire pressure by myself. At every truck stop, rest stop, and gas station I would never in a million years smile big when a trucker would make a comment about a pretty girl sitting under the hood of a truck. I found it offensive and tasteless that they would assume I didn't know what to do. And at other times I would never expect 'Tater to get oily and greasy to check the fluids herself.

After crossing the Oregon border into Idaho upon needing gas, I did not sit at the pump for 20 minutes waiting for an attendant. I did not storm into Love's Truck Stop, pissed and tried, to complain to the cashier only to be laughed at when reminded that I am no longer in Oregon. Upon that awakening, I sure as heck did not skip to the pump, refuel my truck and bask in the smells of gasoline for being able to pump myself.

When we stopped for the night I being the considerate and strict disciplining mother that I am; did not let the kids play leap frog from bed to bed to burn off the extra energy they had. I would never beg the hotel attendants for a room on the first floor surrounded by no one so that my children could be loud and unruly for an hour or so till they dropped like flies.

Upon arguments between 'Tater and Lil t'; I did not blast that horrible Micheal Jackson's hit cd that Dirt Diver insisted on buying a year ago. I would never force the kids to listen to me rock it out and sing horribly off key for an hour till I could see that the argument subsided and they were desperate to send me to an early death.

Upon stopping in Wyoming at a truck stop to use the restrooms, I was not blown onto my butt in the middle of the parking lot for the kids to break out into burst of laughter that evolved into hyperventilation. Nope I did not get a can of Ass Whip from Mother Nature.

I would never in a million years create a game based on Road Kill. I would not award the kids and myself points for being able to spot it a mile away let alone what animal it was or the approximate length of time gone by. I did not find humor in the kids complaints about Illinois lack of road kill, thus halting in the game for a couple hours. I also did not find it hilarious when Monkey cried that we couldn't pick the deers up off the roads to eat. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't get him to understand the difference between hunting a deer and road kill deer for our food.

When we finally got to the Post I did not get turned away from one gate and sent to another. I did not give the guard a piece of mind for this stupid rule. Upon arriving at the other gate for the U-haul inspection; Monkey did not burst into full fledged screaming about needing to go pee. While sitting in the inspection line, I did not spot a portapotty to my left. I did not instruct 'Tater to take Monkey out to go pee. When yelled at by the guard for allowing my children to leave the vehicle I did not yell back that either he can let me on the friggen post now or he can let my kid pee. I did not find it funny that they did not inspect my trailer because things had shifted and they didn't want anything to fall out. I did not end up getting into a cussing match with another guy over proof of insurance. It's not my fault the kids lost the paper copy, I had the digital on my phone. If he would have accepted the digital proof I would not have sat at the gate for 40 minutes with a screaming baby, a whining toddler, a yelping dog and a crying cat in 80 degree weather. I did not find it funny when they finally let us go through the guard said he hoped my husband had a beer for me.

When we finally pulled up to the house, I did not instruct 'Tater to say hi to daddy and then to get me a beer. I did not give the death glare to Dirt Diver when he complained about me taking the last of his 4 beers. I did not remind him that I just drove 2800 miles ALONE and if he wanted to see another sunrise he best bite his tongue and let me enjoy a cold beer. Amazingly the complaints stopped.

 You think my week is over yet? Oh no, not even close. Stay tune for tomorrow’s post as I illustrate how someone who HAPPENS to look like me did the most careless and reckless thing ever!

Not Me! Mondays

I used to hate Mondays but I must say these Not Me! Mondays have really made me look back on my week and laugh at everything. Reminding me my life isn't always THAT bad. When you have a moment stop on by MckMama's and check out the other hilarious Not Me! Monday participants.

I would never have been super lazy last Monday and thus decided on a pajama day for the kids and I. In the event of being a on top of everything mother, I would never have gone 3 days without realizing that Monkey hadn’t changed his PJ’s. As I was serving lunch it wouldn’t dawn on me that the kid has changed his undies, taken showers but has not changed his clothes. I would never assume that all I had to do was pull them off to change him. In that simple moment of grabbing his shirt, I would not have been over powered by a head butt straight to the nose, MEOWED at (why must this child insist on meowing at me?), and then have to spend 3 hours trying to coax a monkey boy who has mistaken identity of a cat from under my bed.

I did not jump the gun on removing every single picture off the wall 11 days early, only to sit and stare at bare walls that no longer held the smiles and love from our family photos. I did not sit late at night with tears in my eyes like a blubbering idiot, rather than just go to bed to start a new day.

As Tuesday’s night start to come and the noise started to die, I did not throw my feet up on the couch and just zone out on tv. I did not in the midst of vegging and snuggling with Princess hear a blood curdling scream from the bathroom. Up I went to check on Monkey. I did not just find him sitting on the toilet freaking out because the water was touching his tush. It wasn’t just water with pee. Oh no. I’m not lucky enough for something so simple like that. That would be way too easy for my life. As I lifted him up I saw that what was rising to his little bum was oh yes a toilet full of diarrhea. It’s okay to gag and cough. I did as I yelled for ‘Tater to grab daddy’s hunting boots. Laced ‘em up, grabbed the plunger and set to work. Of course I wouldn’t be so lucky to have an 11 year old nor a 8 year old who would love their mother so much to assist her in a time of need as their baby sister is fighting tooth and nail to get past my left leg to see what I’m doing as Monkey’s standing on the edge of the tub with his pants still around his ankles yelling “UCKIES MAMA UCKIES”. No not me would be flinging F-Bombs around as I plunged with all my life, to finally be greeted by a “GULP WOOSH” as the lovely remains form Monkey’s upset tummy were sucked away in a blink of an eye.

I would never force the kids to watch a movie they didn’t want to watch. In the midst of us all enjoying “The Great Outdoors”, ‘Tater did NOT, I repeat did NOT turn to me and say “Mom, Roman Craig is such a douche”. I also did not spit my sweet tea out all over Monkey as I burst into uncontrollable giggles. Instead I scolded her for using such naughty words asking where she would learn such foul things.

On Wednesday last week Princess’s cold finally caught up with her. By bedtime it had gotten the best out of her and me. After 5 hours past bedtime of her crying, sneezing, sniffling, coughing while everyone else was sound asleep in the house, I did not break down into a blubbering mess of tears while texting an email to The Man whining about him never being home any time the kids are sick. I did not contemplate at one point if it would really matter if I gave Princess some of Monkey’s cold medicine. I did not then curse the FDA for recalling all the infant cold medicine off the shelves. I did not curse the time of 0300 because I would rather suffer through exhaustion and crying then wake up 3 other children to take to Wal-Mart.  I would not end up crying myself to sleep after the Princess finally fell asleep out of pure exhaustion. I did not throw the remote across the room when the alarm went off at 0530 either. I would never EVER put my satellite tv remote in harm’s way, EVER!

On the way to the vet’s on Wednesday I would of course be paying attention to my driving and not the fighting going on between Monkey and Lil t’ concerning whether it was the end of the world if Monkey’s blanket touched Lil t’. I of course paying full on attention would not have not seen the light behind me as I’m yanking the blanket away from both of them telling them to knock it off back there. I did not pull over only for it to click in my head that the truck’s registration plus proof of insurance was on the kitchen table not in the glove box like I kept telling myself to put it back. Thankfully by the grace of God, the officer found my whining dry heaving dog in the back, Monkey who kept yelling “hey man show me your face! Man I’m TALLLKING TO YOU”, Princess’s fussiness, and my inept ability to get my license out of my wallet cute. He laughed told me to slow it down and get some rest. Really? Did a Oregon State Trooper just tell ME to get some rest? He must have had ESP because I personally would NEVER allow for my emotions to be written all over my face or in the tone of my voice.

 You think my week is over yet? Oh no, not even close. Stay tune for tomorrow’s post as I illustrate how someone who HAPPENS to look like me did the most careless and reckless thing ever!

Not Me! Mondays

Are you good with directions?  What a coinkindinky! So am i. I do not drive around in circles wasting gas throwing F-bombs around because I refuse to stop and ask for directions. I do not take a simple 2 hour drive and turn it into 5 hours because I was too stubborn to admit defeat by asking for help.  Since I am so incredibly blessed with having a sense of direction I did not buy myself a Garmin Nuvi 265WT! I also didn’t sign up for some do-hickey-thingie on Amazon.com just so I could get it shipped this week rather than next. I would never do things like that because I am a patient person who has no problem waiting for things to come in due time.

I didn’t run out to met the Fed-Ex guy in untied boots, hit the wet cement patio, slip on my untied shoelace and almost bust ass in front of him while the kids all laughed from behind. I would ALWAYS show the kids that we always tie our shoes and never run.

A couple hours later while moving the old window AC’s from one side of the house to the other  I did not get caught in a rain storm, trip over a toy and fall off the wood patio in the back of the house. I wouldn’t send a text message yelling and cussing at who I thought was my husband to only turn out to be my father in law.

I would never agree to make a crap ton of enchilada’s for a family get together only to spend an entire day whining to my best friend and my father in law because I was told I was making them wrong. I wouldn’t  get to my mother in law’s house only to find out she made “her” enchilada’s since I refused to make her style, hide in the garage and cuss up a storm that would put an entire battalion of men under siege in Iraq to shame. I did not turn into a petty person and make 1 single comment about how I am eating my rolled enchilada’s that snowballed and started an entire “rolled vs. shredded” argument for the rest of the night amongst the family. I did not sit back and find humor in that everyone loved my rolled enchilada’s and missed eating them that way. Because I am so mature I did not high-5 my father in law as I left the house that night for winning that little battle.

Since we are moving I would not purchase anything else to add to the house. I did not spend $40 on a video game when I could have gotten it on Amazon.com for $30. I would have done my research first rather than impulse shop. I like to think I teach the kids valuable lessons as we go through life. Because of that I would NEVER put off cleaning a house, sorting through another room, or packing my DITY boxes just so I could play this video game that I did not buy for two days straight. I did not fall repeatedly while playing it either. I did not hit Princess in the back of the head with my flailing arms. I did not knock ‘Tater over the side of the couch by my lack of knowing right vs. left. And of course I would not blast the stereo music so all the deer that are hiding in the woods behind us could hear “Pump up the Jam” or “Step by Step” or “Eye of the Tiger”. If I were to purchase this game, it would be called Just Dance for the Wii but remember I did not!

This weekend was a test of parenthood, boundaries, and pre-teens. Upon taking the kids to the mall for pictures of ‘Tater and her bestie before we move, we didn’t run into 2 boys with absolutely ridiculous hair cuts that I would not have said out loud “Do parent’s not know how to shave their kids head’s anymore?”. It was not at this point that ‘Tater kept sneaking ahead or lagging behind to talk to these said hairy boys. It did not click in my head what was about to unfold in a couple minutes. Fast forward to the girls turn for pictures, ‘Tater hands me her cell phone RIGHT as the previous hairy boys walked by and at that moment ‘tater’s cell phone did not just start jumping and jiving in my hand. Since I am not a nosey parent, I did not hit read to see “Trinity” text “why are you ignoring me. I came here for you”. My voice did not ricochet off the walls in the mall. My temper did not boil and send me into full raging pissed off mother for being lied to mode. I would never make my daughter cry right there in the middle of her pictures, in front of strangers and in front of said hairy “Trinity”. I did not finaly calm down and speak rationally to her. I did not just show that sometimes as parents we go into panic mode automatically. I truly am NOT ready for this stage of life. But will tackle it like a champ.

With that I did not sneak a Ben & Jerry’s into my bed in the dark to have an affair with while I watched TV. I did not ignore the knocking on the door when ‘Tater was complaining about Lil t’ farting on her while they watched tv. I did not put myself in time out after the horrible test to pre-teen girls and boys. I handled it like a champ! 

Not Me! Monday

Monkey was not butt naked one day because he refused to wear clothes yet agan. And I did not catch him stealing cookies from the kitchen. I did ask him what he's doing, rather than just take them away. He did not hide them behind his back pushing them up against his butt and yelling "numnum meow meow" licks me and runs off. I did not laugh to myself and then promptly post about this on a message board.

A little while later he wasn’t sitting on the couch eating said butt cookies and yelling "get it off get it off" as he lifts his butt up and starts hitting his wiener. I did not continue to stand there with a cocked head in total amazement. He did not get mad there's cookie crumbs on it. I of course tell him to go put undies on. He did not listen to me but instead gets up, runs in circles while slapping himself and yells "meow meow my wiener all clean my wiener all clean" and sits back down.

I am almost positive I did not drop him as a baby. As for The Man, I can not say for certain.

I did not take my Brother in Law #1 up on taking Monkey for the night nor did I agree to send ‘Tater to a school dance followed by a sleep over at my Mother in Law’s house. I did not spend 5 hours packing up clothes and sorting through things for this partial DITY that I have not thrown a temper tantrum about.

I did not drink 2 Monster’s on an empty stomach on Saturday while loading trash into the truck. I did not blast that annoying Tik Tok song again as I stood in the bed of my truck surrounded with trash dancing like a lunatic. I did not chase Lil t’ with a hose when it was only 57 degrees out. I am not that kind of mother.

I did not come across a LOVELY present my husband left me from when we went camping last. Want to venture on the date? Want to see the present? I warn you it’s not pretty. At all. I did not actually thought it was his way of asking for a divorce as I hurled into the fire pit.

Oh yeah it’s been a while. August 2009. He left me hot dogs, lunch meat, and Capri suns with a bag of melted ice. 7 months it’s had to sit and swim. And I was not the lucky one to stumble upon it, smell it, and bleach the hell out of it. I did not contemplate throwing it out but the actual cost of that cooler kept me from doing so.

When time’s a rolling by and I have a lot of work to be done, I did not decide to hang out at my in-laws, start up the fire pit and hang out enjoying the seldom seen sun. Being the LOVING mother I am, I did not keep Princess of becoming an adventurer as she dove face first into anything and everything. Nope. I kept her safe and clean. I did not have to strip her twice for getting muddy. She does not have a huge scratch on her nose after her title fight with the wood pile. I would never let my little girl off road in the gravel road with nothing on her legs just because she wanted to get to the other side where the kids were. I would have picked her up and carried her. I did not force my in-laws, family friend, poppa and nanna to indulge in some beer games just so that I could say I was the first person to sleep in the brand new upgrade trailer they got this week. I would NEVER be that selfish to want to enjoy it as I slept off my stupidness of hanging with the boys.

I did not spend my Sunday paying for my grand adventures last night as I threw out 5 huge bags of trash. I did not get payback for waiting until the last possible minute to take the trash out before bed last night by stepping in a huge muddy puddle as I was taking the trash out. I did not sit there in the puddle in the rain in the dark and just start laughing hysterically. No not me. I would have gotten up, cried, stormed in the house and swore off trash duties for all of eternity.

Not Me! Monday

Welcome to NOT ME MONDAYS, where where we confess to the things we did (NOT) do! Please click on the link above to link up with your own post.

For the last couple weeks I have not been saying to the dog and the cats that I’m going to start keeping track better of my Not Me Mondays. Then Sunday night rolls around teasing me with the threat of another week filled with homework, chores, and complaints; and I would not just be realizing that I did not keep track of a single solitary Not Me moment.

When each kid has hit the walking stage, I never said that safety locks need to be used in the house. As a loving mother who’s children’s’ safety is her number one priority I would never keep putting it off with every child. With Princess I would never just move things, you’ll never find the unused dog crate that has a secret identity as a gate to block the kitchen. Or the elliptical that never gets moonlighting as a door blocker. No instead I went to Wal-Mart, purchased the safety locks and installed them immediately.

While ‘Tater had a sleepover with her bestie Friday I would conduct myself as a respectful adult who conducts herself with integrity and composure. You would never have found me driving with the windows down, blasting Ke$ha’s “Tik Tok” and singing at the top of my lungs with the girls. Because I do not know the full words to such a ridiculous song nor would I indulge in crazy out of control dance antics at red lights while people in the trucks next to us stared ridiculously.

Did not spend another weekend laying on the floor being a bum with the kids crawling on me. Nope. Never. I would have gotten up and done something productive with the very few opportunities of the sun shining. I would never waste the beautiful clear skies to play video games with the kids and veg.

Last night while off to a good start of country ‘taters with white sausage gravy; I wouldn’t have almost burnt down the house when I got on the phone with the ex-husband. No I wouldn’t let myself get so absorbed into his issues that I would ruin 2 whole sticks of the fabulous most delicious butter in the world. Or waste 4 cups of the most loved liquid in the world, ice cold milk. Or have to throw away an entire package of yummy maple syrup sausage that got burnt to a crisp. Nope. Not me.

And then when trying to save money I would NEVER in a million years call Domino’s and order pizza to get us through the night. In the past 6 years I can honestly say I don’t have a single memory of doing this. I would never open the freezer to see a bunch of frozen chicken to only close it and justify my spending on delivery.

In my efforts to write up a post the night before, you would never catch me this morning in my pajamas, eyes crusted with sleepies, yawn’s coming left and right as I attempt to type this out. Nope I would never procrastinate; I’m on top of everything!

Head on over to MckMama's blog to see what everyone else was not up to this past week

Not Me! Monday

 

After a great day Friday; it did not end on a sour note sending me into a tail spin of anxiety and breaking me down. I did not forget to be strong in front of my children for the last 2 and half days. I did not ignore my blog this weekend because I had not one single ounce of positiveness in me. I did not mind breaking down in the middle of Wal-Mart when Lil t’ made a comment about how daddy would have loved to see the woman that was on the obese side trying to fit into a extra, extra small neon yellow and green Oregon Ducks outfit who’s neck was so badly covered in hickies you wouldn’t know that her skin was white. (Yes I am one of those people that snicker at the horribly dressed people at Wal-Mart)

While I know the rule of the military; never count word of mouth as gold until it’s in black and white, I did not believe what The Man told me was true. I did not believe that he was going to end up this morning with orders to Germany or Korea. I did not spend 3 days not eating because I was worried sick over the logistics of one child and one nasty custody battle that would ensue again. I did not convince myself that I was going to have to pick between my family. I did not convince myself that I would have to make the choice of keeping all 4 children away from their daddy to live in the states to keep custody of 1 son vs. moving 3 kids and potentially loosing custody of said 1 son.

I did not break down into a crying fit of rage while making dinner last night because I would never allow myself to break my own rules of dealing with the military. I would not spend last night restless with almost no sleep while tossing and turning over today. I would not view the coming of today as a death sentence to our family. I would not wake up 6 times during a 6 hour sleep to chase Monkey off the TV, out of the refrigerator, off Call of Duty. I did not get woken up this morning by The Man calling me and yelling at him before he could speak because I was still in my crazy dream of being a super stellar FBI agent on a mission who had lost her super top secret earrings. I did not fall victim to his evil cruel joke of telling me the orders were for Korea. I did not yell the F-bomb at him repeatedly when I didn’t get his hint that it wasn’t Korea when he said “My bad they both start with K”. I did not fully process what he said till I tripped over the laundry basket full of clean clothes that have been waiting for me since Friday when I flew into a tail spin. We are going to Kentucky not Korea.

Panic attacks did NOT get the best of me this weekend.

Head on over to MckMama's blog to see what everyone else was not up to this past week. 

Not Me! Monday

I would NEVER let 3 girls who are already on a sugar high make brownies at 0130 in the morning only to satisfy my sweet tooth craving.

Yesterday was the start of the racing season. I know I know most people don’t understand or have the love for 4 left turns for 4 hours every weekend. It’s okay you are missing out but I won’t force it upon you. As a NASCAR fan I was reared and ready to go. So you could only imagine my frustrations when children’s voices kept drowning out the announcers voices. I did not turn the surround sound up 3 noches every time the little voices overshadowed the tv. No I would never willingly ignore my children.

As much as I love my Dale, Jr and Tim McGraw I would never come close yesterday to entertaining the thought of giving up my love for them all because of their beards. Nope I wouldn’t judge my love on something so superficial. That’s just shallow and I could never be that low at times.

I pride myself on taking care of things around here when The Man is gone. I can fix a hole in the wall, flush out the pipes, fix a leak, wrestle a 80lb dog to clip his nails, I can do it all. With that I would never in a million years while on the phone with my father in law ask him to take the trash to the curb for me because I didn’t want to haul that huge thing to the road.

After slaving away in the kitchen craning my neck to watch the tv so that I didn’t miss a single minute of the cars sitting on the track for an exceptionally long red flag, when my delicious meal that smelt and tasted wonderful was ready; I myself did not opt to not eat it and choose to sit outside on the steps with my father in law and talk while ignoring thee ever raising ruckus that was coming from the dining room.

I have really nappy out of control hair. If it's not relaxed every 3-4 months I look like Dina Ross who stuck a finger in a outlet. It's horrible. While in the midst of applying the horrid smelling stuff on my hair I did not fling it across the bathroom, out the door and all over the couch because I was doing the potty shuffle and slipped on the kids dirty clothes that I "forgot" to wash that day. I did not then demand that 'Tater clean up the mess and make no remarks to me about my actions. A wonderful mother would NEVER ignore fault on herself and would accept it graciously. Nope not me, shifting blame would never work in this house.

When I get mad and harp on the kids for leaving electronics on when they aren’t using them, I most certainly did not sleep with the tv on and the Christmas Lights on in my room. Yes I have Christmas lights still up in our room. I have absolutely no intentions of taking them down either.

Been telling the kids that we need to spend wisely, with that mind frame I did not sneak into Ross on Friday night while at the mall with the girls and buy 3 maxi dresses for myself. I would not spend freely on 3 dresses that it will NEVER get warm enough to wear here and I only purchased hoping that we will be moved by summer so I can wear them. I also did not spend Saturday having buyer’s remorse and had to have my daughter talk me into ripping the tags off to keep them. Not me the responsible one here.

Head on over to MckMama's blog to see what everyone else was not up to this past week.

Not Me! Monday

When the kids are driving me up the wall and my head is duplicating the Exorcist, I would not demand an early bedroom banish with strict rules that their doors are not to be opened unless they are on the floor in a million pieces dying a slow horrible zombie/plague induced death.

Upon the banishment in the home, I would not become a geek sitting through Matchmaking thinking I should go to the bathroom first but decided against it because 1. It’s too late, the game started and 2. I’m a big girl I can hold it for 12 more minutes. After 10 minutes I would not get tired of standing and doing the potty shuffle, which would not result in me breaking a house rule of no running. Since I do not run in the house when I flung the bathroom door open and my bare foot hit the tile, I would not have done a classic move of yelling loud enough to wake the dead “Oh F&#!”, while my right leg went flying up, followed by my left leg no matter how hard I tried to stop it, I would not be falling fast to the ground and knocking the wind out of me. You would not find me after that graceful moment lying on my back in a puddle of water left behind by a child that chose not to put an extra bath mat down when they got out of the shower earlier.

Think that was bad? Fast forward about 3 more hours, you would not find me right back to the ever famous potty shuffle in the middle of “smack” talking with my friends. (Ya know how that is, always trying to puff out the chest so your bigger and badder then everyone else game talk? Yeah that’s me, good thing they couldn’t see me otherwise they’d be on the floor, doubled over in hysterics.) There I am again shuffling, with a minute before the next match is to start; I would choose to WALK into the bathroom. Because let’s be honest I learned my lesson of no running in the house. What happened next is a classic example of why you should ALWAYS turn the lights on because if I had you would not have found me sitting IN the toilet rather than on the seat. Yes I fell IN TO the toilet. I forgot Monkey got up and went to the bathroom.  You would not find me squealing like a little girl yelling “eww gross damnit Toby help! Don’t stare” at the dog who just stared at me like a loon and walked out leaving me to pull myself out of a toilet that hadn’t been flushed causing me to take an impromptu shower.

Nope not me. 

Head on over to MckMama's blog to see what everyone else was not up to this past week.

Not Me Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.


Let’s see if I can recap the highlights:

WHILE TRYING to sleep during the night I would (NOT) have lost my patience with one of our cats, grabbed their condo shoving it in the bathroom along with him and closing the door all the way.

THERE WAS (NOT) a time I choose to opt out on exercising during naptime only to play Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 for 3 hours straight.

I MOST defiantly wouldn’t have eaten an entire bag of Necco candy hearts while hiding under my blankets when Monkey came looking for me in the middle of the night.

TOSSING ALL the clean laundry to the floor because I was too tired and lazy to put away before going to bed is (NOT) what this responsible parent does when there is the chance that the cats would lay in them shedding their fur everywhere.

I WOULD (NOT) be caught looking at longies trying to pinch enough together to possibly buy another pair.

I WOULD never stay up ridiculously late on school nights, roll out of bed long enough to wake the older ones, and then once they were dressed and moving crawl back into bed for another hour of sleep.

AND MOST certainly, I would (NOT) have made dinner for the kids the other night and kinda sorta rushed bedtime. Only so I that I could enjoy half a jar of Strawberry frosting and a tall boy of Pabst Blue Ribbon as a reward for not duct taping them to the wall.

Nope not me! I would never cheat the system and pull the Ace card as mom to get away with these things. Never.

..Where's the life preserver..

This post was inspired by



There are so many cycles in life we go through; cycles of bad relationships, financial woes, depression, job satisfaction, etc. However there is one cycle I just for the life of me, no matter how hard I try to understand, can NOT grasp. Which cycle may that be? Oh the ever fabulous one that unless we become nudists we will never be able to get rid of, the laundry. You wear it, throw it in the hamper/floor/wherever, sort, wash, dry, fold, put away only to repeat again. There are times in life I think I have got a handle on it. Nope not me. There’s people out there who only have a load left to do, everyone’s drawers and closets are full; they are happy. Nope not me again. There is the more often than not days where I’m constantly struggling to stay afloat rather than drown in the stuff around here. Right now I’m struggling against the current and there is no life guard in sight to save me. Everywhere I look it’s there. It’s on the couch waiting to be folded because my bed is covered in the unsorted socks from the last 5 loads; it’s on the floor in the bathroom, creeping out the door from my bedroom. I can’t hide from it.

I have tried to include the older kids help and it always ends up a disaster with me having twice the work. The last time they assisted bubbles were threatening to escape the washer, too many clothes were shoved into the dryer to actually dry and then my favorite bra was shrunk with bleach spots. After that fiasco I stripped that chore from their list of to-do’s. It wasn’t worth struggling to get them on the same page as me if it meant that my beloved bra’s would be destroyed.

Now that I’ve taken back control there is just too many clothes in this house. ‘Tater’s constantly changing her clothes a million times before heading to school and leaving them on the floor with the dirty laundry. I finally got tired of doing the sniff test to sort and just wash all her clothes together. Monkey still has accidents on our potty training adventure, especially if I lose track of time during afternoon nap and let him sleep too long. I constantly feel like I only do the surface cleaning of laundry, ya know the basics that’s needed during the week; socks, underwear, jeans, bras, t-shirts. I never get to all of it. I’m lucky that Lil t’ is the clean freak of the family, doesn’t change his clothes but once a day and is at least willing to help bring his clothes to the washer for me. But that’s the extent of what I can get out of him. I would love to say I miss The Man’s help now that he’s gone, but let’s be honest, he was worse than the kids when it came to getting help. If I hadn’t known better I almost think he planned our very user friendly washer and dryer to die last year so he could get me the front loaders that were too “complicated for a man”; just so he would have an excuse to not help.

Speaking of which, I absolutely miss my FL’s. I see them every day sitting in the back of the house, calling my name whenever I do a load of laundry with the small rinky dinky stackables that came with this rental. I can’t wait till I can use them, hug them, and enjoy them again. I loved the freedom of the FL’s, these stackables limit me to the amount I can do, plus the dryer takes six years to do a load.

As I’m sitting here typing this post up with Monkey complaining about how big my butt is and he can’t fit in the recliner with me, the tv just turned off. I blame Lil t’ who is notorious for doing things like that in the middle of a show, nope not him. Ask Monkey if in the midst of his butt squeezing in the chair if he did it, nope not him. I then think to myself as I get up, “did I sit on the remote again”, nope I didn’t. That is when I see the only remote that controls the TV sitting under it on the entertainment center across the room from us. I am completely dumbfounded now as to how it happened. Everything else that’s plugged into that surge protector stayed on. Lil t’s theory is ghosts, to which Monkey yells “No ghosts in my butt tonight”.

The randomness that pops up in this house never ceases to amaze me and I will (NOT) master the vicious cycle of laundry.