Not Me! Monday

Monkey was not butt naked one day because he refused to wear clothes yet agan. And I did not catch him stealing cookies from the kitchen. I did ask him what he's doing, rather than just take them away. He did not hide them behind his back pushing them up against his butt and yelling "numnum meow meow" licks me and runs off. I did not laugh to myself and then promptly post about this on a message board.

A little while later he wasn’t sitting on the couch eating said butt cookies and yelling "get it off get it off" as he lifts his butt up and starts hitting his wiener. I did not continue to stand there with a cocked head in total amazement. He did not get mad there's cookie crumbs on it. I of course tell him to go put undies on. He did not listen to me but instead gets up, runs in circles while slapping himself and yells "meow meow my wiener all clean my wiener all clean" and sits back down.

I am almost positive I did not drop him as a baby. As for The Man, I can not say for certain.

I did not take my Brother in Law #1 up on taking Monkey for the night nor did I agree to send ‘Tater to a school dance followed by a sleep over at my Mother in Law’s house. I did not spend 5 hours packing up clothes and sorting through things for this partial DITY that I have not thrown a temper tantrum about.

I did not drink 2 Monster’s on an empty stomach on Saturday while loading trash into the truck. I did not blast that annoying Tik Tok song again as I stood in the bed of my truck surrounded with trash dancing like a lunatic. I did not chase Lil t’ with a hose when it was only 57 degrees out. I am not that kind of mother.

I did not come across a LOVELY present my husband left me from when we went camping last. Want to venture on the date? Want to see the present? I warn you it’s not pretty. At all. I did not actually thought it was his way of asking for a divorce as I hurled into the fire pit.

Oh yeah it’s been a while. August 2009. He left me hot dogs, lunch meat, and Capri suns with a bag of melted ice. 7 months it’s had to sit and swim. And I was not the lucky one to stumble upon it, smell it, and bleach the hell out of it. I did not contemplate throwing it out but the actual cost of that cooler kept me from doing so.

When time’s a rolling by and I have a lot of work to be done, I did not decide to hang out at my in-laws, start up the fire pit and hang out enjoying the seldom seen sun. Being the LOVING mother I am, I did not keep Princess of becoming an adventurer as she dove face first into anything and everything. Nope. I kept her safe and clean. I did not have to strip her twice for getting muddy. She does not have a huge scratch on her nose after her title fight with the wood pile. I would never let my little girl off road in the gravel road with nothing on her legs just because she wanted to get to the other side where the kids were. I would have picked her up and carried her. I did not force my in-laws, family friend, poppa and nanna to indulge in some beer games just so that I could say I was the first person to sleep in the brand new upgrade trailer they got this week. I would NEVER be that selfish to want to enjoy it as I slept off my stupidness of hanging with the boys.

I did not spend my Sunday paying for my grand adventures last night as I threw out 5 huge bags of trash. I did not get payback for waiting until the last possible minute to take the trash out before bed last night by stepping in a huge muddy puddle as I was taking the trash out. I did not sit there in the puddle in the rain in the dark and just start laughing hysterically. No not me. I would have gotten up, cried, stormed in the house and swore off trash duties for all of eternity.