Not Me! Mondays

Are you good with directions?  What a coinkindinky! So am i. I do not drive around in circles wasting gas throwing F-bombs around because I refuse to stop and ask for directions. I do not take a simple 2 hour drive and turn it into 5 hours because I was too stubborn to admit defeat by asking for help.  Since I am so incredibly blessed with having a sense of direction I did not buy myself a Garmin Nuvi 265WT! I also didn’t sign up for some do-hickey-thingie on Amazon.com just so I could get it shipped this week rather than next. I would never do things like that because I am a patient person who has no problem waiting for things to come in due time.

I didn’t run out to met the Fed-Ex guy in untied boots, hit the wet cement patio, slip on my untied shoelace and almost bust ass in front of him while the kids all laughed from behind. I would ALWAYS show the kids that we always tie our shoes and never run.

A couple hours later while moving the old window AC’s from one side of the house to the other  I did not get caught in a rain storm, trip over a toy and fall off the wood patio in the back of the house. I wouldn’t send a text message yelling and cussing at who I thought was my husband to only turn out to be my father in law.

I would never agree to make a crap ton of enchilada’s for a family get together only to spend an entire day whining to my best friend and my father in law because I was told I was making them wrong. I wouldn’t  get to my mother in law’s house only to find out she made “her” enchilada’s since I refused to make her style, hide in the garage and cuss up a storm that would put an entire battalion of men under siege in Iraq to shame. I did not turn into a petty person and make 1 single comment about how I am eating my rolled enchilada’s that snowballed and started an entire “rolled vs. shredded” argument for the rest of the night amongst the family. I did not sit back and find humor in that everyone loved my rolled enchilada’s and missed eating them that way. Because I am so mature I did not high-5 my father in law as I left the house that night for winning that little battle.

Since we are moving I would not purchase anything else to add to the house. I did not spend $40 on a video game when I could have gotten it on Amazon.com for $30. I would have done my research first rather than impulse shop. I like to think I teach the kids valuable lessons as we go through life. Because of that I would NEVER put off cleaning a house, sorting through another room, or packing my DITY boxes just so I could play this video game that I did not buy for two days straight. I did not fall repeatedly while playing it either. I did not hit Princess in the back of the head with my flailing arms. I did not knock ‘Tater over the side of the couch by my lack of knowing right vs. left. And of course I would not blast the stereo music so all the deer that are hiding in the woods behind us could hear “Pump up the Jam” or “Step by Step” or “Eye of the Tiger”. If I were to purchase this game, it would be called Just Dance for the Wii but remember I did not!

This weekend was a test of parenthood, boundaries, and pre-teens. Upon taking the kids to the mall for pictures of ‘Tater and her bestie before we move, we didn’t run into 2 boys with absolutely ridiculous hair cuts that I would not have said out loud “Do parent’s not know how to shave their kids head’s anymore?”. It was not at this point that ‘Tater kept sneaking ahead or lagging behind to talk to these said hairy boys. It did not click in my head what was about to unfold in a couple minutes. Fast forward to the girls turn for pictures, ‘Tater hands me her cell phone RIGHT as the previous hairy boys walked by and at that moment ‘tater’s cell phone did not just start jumping and jiving in my hand. Since I am not a nosey parent, I did not hit read to see “Trinity” text “why are you ignoring me. I came here for you”. My voice did not ricochet off the walls in the mall. My temper did not boil and send me into full raging pissed off mother for being lied to mode. I would never make my daughter cry right there in the middle of her pictures, in front of strangers and in front of said hairy “Trinity”. I did not finaly calm down and speak rationally to her. I did not just show that sometimes as parents we go into panic mode automatically. I truly am NOT ready for this stage of life. But will tackle it like a champ.

With that I did not sneak a Ben & Jerry’s into my bed in the dark to have an affair with while I watched TV. I did not ignore the knocking on the door when ‘Tater was complaining about Lil t’ farting on her while they watched tv. I did not put myself in time out after the horrible test to pre-teen girls and boys. I handled it like a champ!