Not Me! Mondays

I used to hate Mondays but I must say these Not Me! Mondays have really made me look back on my week and laugh at everything. Reminding me my life isn't always THAT bad. When you have a moment stop on by MckMama's and check out the other hilarious Not Me! Monday participants.

I would never have been super lazy last Monday and thus decided on a pajama day for the kids and I. In the event of being a on top of everything mother, I would never have gone 3 days without realizing that Monkey hadn’t changed his PJ’s. As I was serving lunch it wouldn’t dawn on me that the kid has changed his undies, taken showers but has not changed his clothes. I would never assume that all I had to do was pull them off to change him. In that simple moment of grabbing his shirt, I would not have been over powered by a head butt straight to the nose, MEOWED at (why must this child insist on meowing at me?), and then have to spend 3 hours trying to coax a monkey boy who has mistaken identity of a cat from under my bed.

I did not jump the gun on removing every single picture off the wall 11 days early, only to sit and stare at bare walls that no longer held the smiles and love from our family photos. I did not sit late at night with tears in my eyes like a blubbering idiot, rather than just go to bed to start a new day.

As Tuesday’s night start to come and the noise started to die, I did not throw my feet up on the couch and just zone out on tv. I did not in the midst of vegging and snuggling with Princess hear a blood curdling scream from the bathroom. Up I went to check on Monkey. I did not just find him sitting on the toilet freaking out because the water was touching his tush. It wasn’t just water with pee. Oh no. I’m not lucky enough for something so simple like that. That would be way too easy for my life. As I lifted him up I saw that what was rising to his little bum was oh yes a toilet full of diarrhea. It’s okay to gag and cough. I did as I yelled for ‘Tater to grab daddy’s hunting boots. Laced ‘em up, grabbed the plunger and set to work. Of course I wouldn’t be so lucky to have an 11 year old nor a 8 year old who would love their mother so much to assist her in a time of need as their baby sister is fighting tooth and nail to get past my left leg to see what I’m doing as Monkey’s standing on the edge of the tub with his pants still around his ankles yelling “UCKIES MAMA UCKIES”. No not me would be flinging F-Bombs around as I plunged with all my life, to finally be greeted by a “GULP WOOSH” as the lovely remains form Monkey’s upset tummy were sucked away in a blink of an eye.

I would never force the kids to watch a movie they didn’t want to watch. In the midst of us all enjoying “The Great Outdoors”, ‘Tater did NOT, I repeat did NOT turn to me and say “Mom, Roman Craig is such a douche”. I also did not spit my sweet tea out all over Monkey as I burst into uncontrollable giggles. Instead I scolded her for using such naughty words asking where she would learn such foul things.

On Wednesday last week Princess’s cold finally caught up with her. By bedtime it had gotten the best out of her and me. After 5 hours past bedtime of her crying, sneezing, sniffling, coughing while everyone else was sound asleep in the house, I did not break down into a blubbering mess of tears while texting an email to The Man whining about him never being home any time the kids are sick. I did not contemplate at one point if it would really matter if I gave Princess some of Monkey’s cold medicine. I did not then curse the FDA for recalling all the infant cold medicine off the shelves. I did not curse the time of 0300 because I would rather suffer through exhaustion and crying then wake up 3 other children to take to Wal-Mart.  I would not end up crying myself to sleep after the Princess finally fell asleep out of pure exhaustion. I did not throw the remote across the room when the alarm went off at 0530 either. I would never EVER put my satellite tv remote in harm’s way, EVER!

On the way to the vet’s on Wednesday I would of course be paying attention to my driving and not the fighting going on between Monkey and Lil t’ concerning whether it was the end of the world if Monkey’s blanket touched Lil t’. I of course paying full on attention would not have not seen the light behind me as I’m yanking the blanket away from both of them telling them to knock it off back there. I did not pull over only for it to click in my head that the truck’s registration plus proof of insurance was on the kitchen table not in the glove box like I kept telling myself to put it back. Thankfully by the grace of God, the officer found my whining dry heaving dog in the back, Monkey who kept yelling “hey man show me your face! Man I’m TALLLKING TO YOU”, Princess’s fussiness, and my inept ability to get my license out of my wallet cute. He laughed told me to slow it down and get some rest. Really? Did a Oregon State Trooper just tell ME to get some rest? He must have had ESP because I personally would NEVER allow for my emotions to be written all over my face or in the tone of my voice.

 You think my week is over yet? Oh no, not even close. Stay tune for tomorrow’s post as I illustrate how someone who HAPPENS to look like me did the most careless and reckless thing ever!