No matter how hard is to love, you can never give up

This has been weighing HEAVLY on my heart right now. I feel horrible like one of the worse parents ever for feeling this but I know it’s normal and yet that still doesn’t make me feel any better.

Lil t’ comes home tomorrow and I’m dreading it. I am dragging my feet on getting his room ready for him. I am dreading the drive to go pick him up from the airport. It’s not soley his fault, it’s father’s fault for changing my little man’s behavior while they are together. I am dreading the fights, temper tantrums, battles, tears, outbursts, yelling, slamming, and whining. I am dreading it all. He’s always had his issues more so then most kids his age. He’s out of control and I have been so stubborn on seeking medicinal help for him but unfortunately I think the time has come that if in a months time of Lil t’ being back, if the attitude and actions haven’t improved; I’m calling the doctors for help.

Please know that this is my last resort. We’ve tried everything else possible. We’ve had him in counseling every week for the last 2 years. We’ve tried positive re-enforcement, negative, taking all things away, hard labor, time outs, groundings, redirection and still nothing ever works with him. It’s still the same. And sadly after this horrible time with his father I know he’s only going to come back worse. I wish I could explain it in full detail for those to understand who aren’t here, but I can’t without breaking down.

This whole visitation has been horrible. Between my ex-husband buying our NINE year old son a brand new spanking iMac laptop, AFTER I just told him that our kid can NOT take care of anything and doesn’t NEED a computer when we have a family one to use. So because of that purchase the entire 8 weeks has been filled with “I got a laptop” and “My dad says you can’t take it away”, etc. I’m sorry and I’m sure someone out there will disagree but that thing is going in the closet on the top shelf ONLY to be used on webcam visits with his dad 2xs a week and that’s it. He has not earned it and until he has in MY house, he won’t get to use it just because his dad said so. I’m so sick of his dad dictating how Dirt Diver and I should run our house. Then add in the fact that his dad has used him to try and pry personal information from me and his sister is ridiculous. Or how bout on Father’s Day having Lil T’ leave a message on Dirt Diver’s phone that said “dont you ever talk to my dad that way again travis. do you hear me?” followed with my ex saying “yeah you fucking little prick”. Hmm yes that is the MATURE way to handle a stupid pissing text message battle that you started there oh fabulous great ex-husband of mine. Geesh really? You don’t like the truth my husband told you so you have our son call and put him in the middle? Or how about last weekend when I refused to give you the contact information of my birth son who lives in the same state as you and who has specifically asked that I don’t give the information to you, you decide to show your true colors in front of our son by screaming the N word left and right while wishing me death. Hmm yes you really have grown up haven’t you?

Because of your actions, you have royally messed up our son’s perception of life. He si constantly driven by money, whining, manipulating, and throwing outbursts just like you. I bust my ass and my heart trying to change and mold him into someone wonderful and you just shit all over it. You have turned our son into a child that other kids do not want any part of being friends with. You have ruined him and all I can do as a mother is keeping trying and keeping having faith that I can get through to our son. It’s KILLING me. It’s killing the relationships in my own house. We are always at war here when Lil t is around and acting the way he does. The relationships with his sisters and brother are so badly damaged; I pray that somewhere somehow God will mend them so that these kids will not live a life of hating each other.

The actions of my son cause fights between Dirt Diver and me. We are always at odds on how to deal with it, and how to deal with your presence in our life. Why can’t you just either grow up, realize that this is NOT the right behavior for our son or disappear for ever. Why must you make a mission in life of ruining things just to get even with me? The world does not resolve around you, never has and never will. You were the WORSE part of my life ex-husband. The WORSE. I can’t even say, the birth of our son was the positive that came out of it because you have used him against me since he drew his first breath. How can anyone life a life this? I pray that one day our son will wake up and realize that I have spent his whole life trying to protect him from your evils. Until then I will fight hell and high water to keep him from turning into you. He deserves so much more then what you give him.