Feels like I'm in a hamster wheel

Hmm where did I leave off? Oh that’s right washer broke, kids jumping and hooting for Halloween, and I’m drinking a beer.

I get everyone ready to go, ‘Tater made a HORRIBLE choice the week before so she had to miss Halloween and could only pull the wagon. Lil t’ was a rabid bat. Monkey Dearth Vader and Princess was a shark. Yes I said shark.

After everyone was ready to head off, we did the uncool moment... the rules.  Blah Blah and off we set out. Lil t’ walked with our neighbor’s and their daughter. I kept telling him to stay with his family and stop running off. At one point Monkey fell and his candy went everywhere. There I am standing on Princess’s fin, picking up Monkey, gathering candy, and yelling at Lil t’ to get back with his family.  I look up and he’s gone.

Now I’m fuming but I decided to not ruin the other kids’ fun and will deal with Lil t’ when I get back to the house. I knew he was with the neighbors and safe. We continued and had a BLAST. As we’re walking up to the house, Lil t’ comes running up, jumping around yelling about how much fun he had. After a few short questions about if he knew who his family was, what were rules, and what did he choose to do?  That is when he ‘flipped’; he went from being a big ball of laughter to pure anger.

We’ve been dealing with these mood issues for 3 years, it’s taken THREE years to finally get a refer to pysch for testing. That’s another post in of itself. Anyway, I am tired, drained, and just want to get everyone in bed so I told him to get ready and get in it.

Throw the little ones in the shower, hide the candy, argue with Lil t’ over why he has to go to bed at 8 vs. 8:30, and attempt not to lose my sanity. Finally get everyone in PJ’s, in bed, the house is quiet so I sit down to relax and that’s where all hell broke loose again.

House phone is ringing, the cell phone is ringing, Dirt Diver’s voice over the answering machine yelling for me to pick up the phone; Spew of Satan is blowing up my cell phone. This is where you color me confused as hell as I hadn’t talk to the Spew in a week or so. Figure I’ll start with the Spew, call him and he just lays into me out of nowhere. Get him to call down and that’s when I could feel the anger boil inside me.

Lil t’ sent his father text messages saying “I’m scared for my life”, “He’s going to get me”, “I don’t know if I’ll live”, “Why aren’t you answering, I need you”. As much as I hate Spew of Satan; I don’t blame him for why he freaked out. The excuses for why he said what he said were ridiculous.

•   Lil t’s watched Nightmare on Elm Street (which he can NOT do because he has nightmares) and he thought Krueger was going to get him.

•   He was mad that I made him go to bed and wanted his dad to answer to tattle on me.

• He wants to go live with his dad because I'm mean.

Ugh it’s never ending with Lil t’. He’s now grounded for 2 weeks. Thankfully he had his eval/counseling this week so we could discuss it but I’m just running out of energy dealing with this. Every day is a battle and every day I feel like I’m losing. This week’s appointment had a lot of positives come from it and I’m praying it will only continue to get us on the right path, because I can’t handle watching him being snatched away by the anger/hatred/depression that is boiling inside him and slowly taking over.

There is so much more I want to say but my washer is fixed finally and I’m actually enjoying being able to wash again, must catch up on it. Please just say a prayer that we can get this nipped in the bud now before it gets too late.

No matter how hard is to love, you can never give up

This has been weighing HEAVLY on my heart right now. I feel horrible like one of the worse parents ever for feeling this but I know it’s normal and yet that still doesn’t make me feel any better.

Lil t’ comes home tomorrow and I’m dreading it. I am dragging my feet on getting his room ready for him. I am dreading the drive to go pick him up from the airport. It’s not soley his fault, it’s father’s fault for changing my little man’s behavior while they are together. I am dreading the fights, temper tantrums, battles, tears, outbursts, yelling, slamming, and whining. I am dreading it all. He’s always had his issues more so then most kids his age. He’s out of control and I have been so stubborn on seeking medicinal help for him but unfortunately I think the time has come that if in a months time of Lil t’ being back, if the attitude and actions haven’t improved; I’m calling the doctors for help.

Please know that this is my last resort. We’ve tried everything else possible. We’ve had him in counseling every week for the last 2 years. We’ve tried positive re-enforcement, negative, taking all things away, hard labor, time outs, groundings, redirection and still nothing ever works with him. It’s still the same. And sadly after this horrible time with his father I know he’s only going to come back worse. I wish I could explain it in full detail for those to understand who aren’t here, but I can’t without breaking down.

This whole visitation has been horrible. Between my ex-husband buying our NINE year old son a brand new spanking iMac laptop, AFTER I just told him that our kid can NOT take care of anything and doesn’t NEED a computer when we have a family one to use. So because of that purchase the entire 8 weeks has been filled with “I got a laptop” and “My dad says you can’t take it away”, etc. I’m sorry and I’m sure someone out there will disagree but that thing is going in the closet on the top shelf ONLY to be used on webcam visits with his dad 2xs a week and that’s it. He has not earned it and until he has in MY house, he won’t get to use it just because his dad said so. I’m so sick of his dad dictating how Dirt Diver and I should run our house. Then add in the fact that his dad has used him to try and pry personal information from me and his sister is ridiculous. Or how bout on Father’s Day having Lil T’ leave a message on Dirt Diver’s phone that said “dont you ever talk to my dad that way again travis. do you hear me?” followed with my ex saying “yeah you fucking little prick”. Hmm yes that is the MATURE way to handle a stupid pissing text message battle that you started there oh fabulous great ex-husband of mine. Geesh really? You don’t like the truth my husband told you so you have our son call and put him in the middle? Or how about last weekend when I refused to give you the contact information of my birth son who lives in the same state as you and who has specifically asked that I don’t give the information to you, you decide to show your true colors in front of our son by screaming the N word left and right while wishing me death. Hmm yes you really have grown up haven’t you?

Because of your actions, you have royally messed up our son’s perception of life. He si constantly driven by money, whining, manipulating, and throwing outbursts just like you. I bust my ass and my heart trying to change and mold him into someone wonderful and you just shit all over it. You have turned our son into a child that other kids do not want any part of being friends with. You have ruined him and all I can do as a mother is keeping trying and keeping having faith that I can get through to our son. It’s KILLING me. It’s killing the relationships in my own house. We are always at war here when Lil t is around and acting the way he does. The relationships with his sisters and brother are so badly damaged; I pray that somewhere somehow God will mend them so that these kids will not live a life of hating each other.

The actions of my son cause fights between Dirt Diver and me. We are always at odds on how to deal with it, and how to deal with your presence in our life. Why can’t you just either grow up, realize that this is NOT the right behavior for our son or disappear for ever. Why must you make a mission in life of ruining things just to get even with me? The world does not resolve around you, never has and never will. You were the WORSE part of my life ex-husband. The WORSE. I can’t even say, the birth of our son was the positive that came out of it because you have used him against me since he drew his first breath. How can anyone life a life this? I pray that one day our son will wake up and realize that I have spent his whole life trying to protect him from your evils. Until then I will fight hell and high water to keep him from turning into you. He deserves so much more then what you give him.

His yelps went unnoticed while we were ducking bullets

Don’t be jealous of my big gun. It shots FAR and it hurts like hell when ya get hit by it. I love shooting the kids when they’re trying to sneak out of their bedrooms.

I am not a nice mom at times. It’s not because I don’t love my children. It’s not because I find pleasure in listening to them cry and whine. It’s because at some point I am completely drained of their constant need to not listen to anything that comes out of my mouth. Last night we had finished dinner and just watching TV relaxing, when Lil t’ went into the bathroom. During this time the channel we’re watching is really low on the TV so I had the surround sound on. A commercial came on that was pretty loud so I hit mute; that’s when I heard the yelling’s of an 8 year old coming from the bathroom. He wants ‘Tater to get him toilet paper. ‘Tater covers her mouth with a clean prefold, ready to face the nastiness that has escaped her brother; however the bathroom door is locked. I tell her to let him know the toilet paper is under the sink in the bathroom with him so she shouldn’t have to go in there in the first place. For the next 10 minutes he’s in there yelling and calling for someone to get him toilet paper. Silence as no one paid attention. Then he yells that the door is unlocked. At this point I had point myself in time out before responding to him. He could waddle to the door and unlock but he couldn’t waddle an extra 4 shuffles to grab the toilet paper. I turned the volume up a tad bit louder and continued to ignore. A total 20 minutes goes by from the first time I heard the yells to him emerging from the bathroom, complaining about how we forced him to get his toilet paper. Why is it so incredibly difficult to put the toilet paper on the roll? Not on top, not on the cloth diaper container, not on the side of the tub, not on top of the toilet, not on the floor next to the toilet but to put it on the actual holder itself! Along with having to constantly remind them to replace the toilet paper, I am so tired of repeating “If your checks are sitting down, then check the roll”? I need to put a huge sign in the bathroom.



Wednesday was The Princess’s birthday and we didn’t do anything major. While running errands at Wal-Mart, I spotted the cutest cupcake mold ever, Wilton’s mini heart pan. I didn’t feel the need to stress over the type of cake or presentation really because, let’s be honest, what 1 year old is going to say 10 years later “my mom made this awesome cake with a blackberry filling and homemade ice cream. It just melted in my mouth”? *the sounds of crickets have filled the air* Yeah thought so. The kids helped with just a simple Strawberry cake mix and when the older kids got home from school, I let them each decorate their cupcake.

Let me just say these did not turn out to be “mini” cupcakes. Either I put too much batter in or the mold was bigger then what I would label “mini”, but they were perfect size for each kid. It really was fun to all be together in the kitchen, decorating, and laughing. We had spaghetti with ground turkey with salad which of course she made a mess. I was incredibly happy to see The Man logged into Yahoo right as we were cleaning up because that meant he could SKYPE with us. Booted up SKYPE, placed the laptop right smack dab in front of The Princess and we all sang Happy Birthday to her. I feel so lucky that while he is away he was still able to be a part of her first birthday. It was a perfect family birthday for a one year old.