Coasting away through life

28 February 2011

Lately anything and everything that has come to mind or out of my mouth I've been questioning. I am not a intelligent person, I try very hard to keep up on what's going on in the world, understanding it, etc. But for some odd reason I've just been feeling like do I REALLY understand anything going on? Do people view me as stupid or uneducated when I talk?

When looking around at my friends and acquaintances, I see people who already have their life paved out. They have talents that they are good at, can jump right into something and excel; they know what they want to be and are on the road to achieving it.

Whereas I feel like I'm stuck in a row boat with 1 oar and just can't seem to get a grasp on anything I do.

I love to knit, but it's not great by any means and when the project gets too hard and I have no one to ask for help; I junk it in the knitting basket to never be touched again.

I love to sew but I have absolutely NO patience for pinning, patterns, straight lines. I'm impatient.

I love to cook/bake, but I can never seem to please myself with what I make because I'm always using a recipe vs. creating master pieces from scratch.

I love to play video games, but I have HORRIBLE eye/hand coordination (which always has made me wonder how in the hell did I get a license) and get frustrated with having a 5 to 42 kill ratio while Dirt Diver and my BIL's have 63 to 2 ration.

I want to loose weight but I just can't give up the snacking and the yummy horribly no good but mouth water foods that are out there.

I want to do things with friends but when it comes to actually doing them, I chicken out for fear of making a friend to only be hurt by being betrayed.

When it all comes down to it, sometimes I feel like I'm just coasting through life with no real attempt at anything.

I WANT to have accomplishments other then giving birth to 5 healthy beautiful children. I WANT to be able to finish my degree in Human Resources but at the same time I don't even know if that is what I want anymore. I started that journey so many moons ago after that horrible side trip to getting my CNA license to only realize that I really dislike sick people and bodily functions from anyone other then my kidlets.

31 years old and there are still days where I feel like I did when I was 23 with no care in the world and just wanting to be free.

I need an anchor but I don't know what kind or even how to get one. I'm just coasting through the river of life with 1 oar, enjoying the scenery while trying to figure things out.

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